heyhey.. i'm home... right now i have low mood.. had a long day today... only slept abt 3hr and than went to work...
this morning, the weather is really humid... i got frustrated.. work was tiring... but half day only.. sales were good... i was tired and sleepy.. but i have to fight my tiredness and push it to the end and yeah i made it till the end... its not easy cos really i felt the pain at the ending... i did'nt rest much at work though.. only sit for a while.. its a half day and i push my power to the max till my work is complete..
after work we have a family gathering.. a picnic at east coast.. reach there at 5 cos its raining.. than me and all my cuzzy ride the bike from 5.30 to 6.30pm.. than believe it or not, we fulfill my mum's wish which is to go for a swim.. i noe its evening but she was dying to go into the water... so i went in with her and my uncle.. i did'nt bring extra changing materials but hack la... we swam for abt 20 min than get out of the water.. change pack up and go home...
so thats my day...
i dunno what wrong again this time... i dunno if its my fault.. i dunno what i did wrong.. i was tired and really i cant recall what i did was wrong.. was it really me or is it he cant stand to be with me anymore.. what i did? i really have no idea... i tired.. really tired, havent had enuf rest and sleep... i need to breath... i need him to help me to breath but it seems i became breathless with him.. i really love him so much... but does that mean anything at all? is it me? maybe i'm just a horrible person... i guess its my foul attitude that really turns him off... i tried my best but need a breather... i dun want to lose him, but does he want me to be with him still? r we still strong to keep it togather? i havent really tell anyone what went wrong.. i havent had anyone to talk to of my real situation and my real problems.. i dunno who to turn to now... i just need to cry hard enuf for me to stand strong again.. am i gg to lose him? i'm tired and i love him so much... is it gg to be over soon? lets face the truth, do i have the strenght to carry on? its crucial for me to focus on everything.. everythng to me is important...
its getting harder to breath right now... right this moment i wish i could sleep and forget the world.. forget everything and forget everyone... i wish i could get a good night sleep not having to worry abt nightmare.. is everything just a dream and turning into nightmare? i dunno what to do... am i such a horrible person that everything i did seems to be wrong and hurting everyone? i need someone to comfort me.. but i think i just need myself to comfort me... cos it complicated for me.. i dun feel like talking out about the things that troubling me...
i better stop here before i hurt more people... bye...
Masturah @ 9:26 PM
heyhey.. get ready ppl, its going to be another long post.. i noe its long, u want to read, go ahead.. dun like it? than leave.. hahhahaha...
i noe this is sunday's post but i'm writing about saturday.. i had a long day today (saturday)... i only get to sleep for like 2 hrs... will tell u why later.. niways, woke up at 4 plus to get ready to go t work.. damn, work is really tiring.. i had not enuf sleep and ytd (friday) i had a very long and tiring day as u can read from my previous post...
start the day with a msg to baby... and start work with super bad headache.. on top of that, i was having menstrual cramp... cos of the night incident (i'll eleborate later) i lost my appetite to eat... so had lunch but only able to eat abt 4 spoon cos i cannot bring myself to swallow the food togather with the sorrow... than took 2 panadol pill... cos my waist is hurting so much.. by noon i feel really weak but i still continue with my work... i was so dizzy that i feel like fainting... i feel like i'm floating.. today i did most of the washing..
niways baby called after his training and decided to meet.. i end my work a lil late.. baby told me to meet him straight without gg home to change.. so i get my dad to drop me off at adm mrt.. baby bought a t shirt for me to change... was like spraying perfume...
we than bought cat food cos we want to feed the cat we saw the other day.. we bought 2 small pack of cat food and a small packet of milk... we went there but was heart broken cos the cat is not there anymore.. i miss her.. we call her comel.. so cute and manja... n the vest part, we cant find a cat to feed.. so bby drank the milk and the cat food we keep for next visit..
we than went to cwp tp eat at the kopitiam.. but its so pack.. so is banquet.. i dun want to eat fast food, i want liquified food... apparently all seems to be so overly crowded by ppl.. so we went for th last resort since i was so weak and cannot take it anymore... we bought drinks from the value shop and bought double cheese burger ala carte... we than went to eat outside cwp on the floor... hahha.. than went to timezone... get to play a free game, dunno wat is it call... we both play it againts each other, its like a table match... than played daytona and i won.. hahahah... baby that played guitar hero.. i did'nt play cos i feel so weak and dun feel good... so he play 2 games.. we like have to wait for so long for our turn..
at abt 10.45, we took 969.. baby acc me to adm than he alight as usual... got good hug and kiss from him.. i missed him so much cos we did'nt meet for 2 days.. and in these two days, alot of things happen between us and makes me so worried...
niways on friday night we had a fight and he exploded... not screaming at me but saying something that torn me apart.. yes i admit its my fault but we can work it out without resulting to this situation.. was real upset how he put things... its bad enuf to complicate things further.. it was bad enuf that we wanted to call it off.. but looking at the situation, we both at fault.. we so called settled it that night.. but i still have doubt that made me so reatless at work... but we met aft work.. we reconcile and we acted as if that night incident did'nt happen...
i was wondering how he could call it off that night and when we meet, he was like all over me... he hugged me real tight, he grab my hand, gave me good kiss... i was so weak and hurt.. but he was trying hard to cheer me up... he was so happy when he was with me... it was like that night incident didnt happen... i was thinking just now with him, we were so loving but what if that night we both really called it off? we wont felt the happiness we felt just now..
in this incident, i learn to trust him and look deeper.. i need to see the deep meaning and not just the surface and jump to conclusion too easily.. but on his part, he should understand me more... we got so much understanding and trust to build in our relationship.. r we strong enuf to learnt to trust and to understand? if its really love that we have been planting since 16 feb 09.. we will both put in the effort to conquer these two strong need in our relationship... we have got a long way to go... and to achieve our dream, we both need the understanding and trust... it'll take time but it'll come by in an unexpected way.. love is not enuf to sustain to reach our goal...
although shit happens between us, but we manage to go through it togather, may not be enuf but we still learning.. but no matter what happens, i love him so much... and i noe he do love me too... as much as i do aft seeing what he went through for me... if he dun love me, he wont treat me that way just now.. i noe he love me when i look in his eyes.. i saw it in there.. and when i look deeper, i noe i could trust him.. the matter now is how much and how willing i can trust him and for him to understand me..
baby, i love you so much...
kk, i go now.. need to work in a few hours time.. damn i'm so freaking tired.. i took the cab at yishun to my hse cos i was so tired and cannot take it... bye...
Masturah @ 12:58 AM